The pecking order

    The pecking order is a term you associate animals like chickens. What some people don’t realize is that humans have a pecking order too. Unconsciously or consciously we as humans establish a pecking order. It doesn't matter what you like, what you do, or anything. It simply is. There are those that peck and those that are pecked.

   I came to this realization when I was sixteen. I was born with a severe over bite. I was short. I had a learning disability, I struggled with motor skills and eye hand coordination because I needed glasses. In the late 70s and early 80s children weren't put in glasses early unless they had a severe eye sight problem. I presented an easy target. I was easy peck at. At sixteen I was finally given the okay to have surgery on my jaw. Even though it was scare facing surgery I was also excited. I thought "Now I will be pretty! Now I will fit in! Now I am going to be popular!" I was in for a rude awakening.  After I recovered from surgery and scars healed I returned to school with high hopes. I found that nothing had changed. I was still unpopular,  average, and just me. My place in the pecking order had not changed. I was still the one pecked at. That's when I realized that our place in that order never changes. Once it's established it is what is and there's nothing you can do about it. 

   Later, as a young adult, I found that I could hold my head high and walk on. I could get deal with being pecked. I also knew I couldn't do it alone. I struggled in college because I had no goals, no confidence,  and almost no self image. Later I came to see that I likely suffered from clinical depression.  This something little was known about in the late 80s and 90s. Medications hadn't really been developed for it yet unless they were powerful drugs like lithium.  For years I dealt with depression without medication.  Later I would learn that it was a very physical disease. I was and am literally brain damaged.  My brain uses serotonin to quickly. Not enough of it stays in my brain to do its job. I am on Effexor now. This drug slows this process down so the serotonin stays in my brain long enough to what it needs to do make me feel good. Without this medication I cannot function. 

Coming home from a failed stint at college I was in the lowest place I'd ever been in. I even considered taking my own life. Thank goodness I'm too much of a coward to do it. Through the love and caring hand of a dear friend I began to attend church, help with the youth,  and sing with the choir. I have always been at my most joyous when I am singing. One night at the church, I was alone in the sanctuary,  I cried out to the Lord. I completely bared my lost and broken soul to God. He filled a hole that I'd been desperately trying to fill my whole life. Never have I ever felt such love, comfort,  safety,  and peace. He put me back on the right path that night. Since then I've known that I am not alone. I am loved and accepted. God has no pecking order. He loves all. He uses all!